The Adventures of the Voyager Crew
by Dying Redshirt Ensign
Summary: A collection of short, individual stories about the Voyager crew. I've added an introduction.
1. Introduction

_Welcome to the (for lack of a better name) Adventures of the Voyager Crew! Please leave your phasers at the door so you can't shoot me for writing stupidity, and keep your limbs attached to your body at all times. Last time I forgot to issue that warning...well, I don't like to think about it. Your disclaimer will be in the next chapter. Have fun, enjoy the ride, and-- DANGIT, give that phaser to me before you shoo--*dies*_

*space-y sounding music*

*Captain Janeway's voice*

Space...the final frontier.  
These are the voyages of the starship Voyager  
Its indefinitely and excruciatingly long mission  
To explore the freakin' big Delta Quadrant  
To shoot at anything hostile, to never run out of torpedos or shuttlecraft,  
And to find a way to get the heck back home before this bucket o' bolts falls apart.

*dramatic theme music*


	2. A Favor from Q

This is your official universal disclaimer for the entire series of drabbles. More specific disclaimers will be added when needed, but for now...  
  
Universal Disclaimer: I do not own Voyager or its characters; Paramount does.  
  
Now for the specific disclaimer pertaining only to this composition..  
  
I do not own the anonymous fast food/ice cream place mentioned seven times in this fic.  
  
On with the story!!  
  
  
It was a quiet day in some anonymous fast food/ice cream place in some anonymous town in some anonymous state in some anonymous country on some anonymous continent on early twenty-first century Earth. Business was slow. Heck, it was a Saturday, and no one was likely to traverse the miles across the desert-like landscape just to pick up a chocolate-dipped ice cream cone from the anonymous fast food/ice cream place. The anonymous fast food/ice cream place was so far out in the middle of nowhere that one could step outside and see absolutely nothing but sandy dirt for miles on end. Well, there was the road, and if you looked behind you, you could see the anonymous fast food/ice cream place. But back to that quiet day. The anonymous teenager who happened to be working that day was bored. Anything, even the vast desert-like landscape, would be better than the monotonous inside of the anonymous fast food/ice cream place. Making up his mind, the anonymous teenager stepped outside. The sight that greeted him nearly made his heart stop. A giant starship had appeared in the vast desert-like landscape, and, stranger still, it had the word Voyager painted on it, along with a lot of other numbers and letters. The anonymous teenager just stared as several strangely clad people emerged from the giant starship. The woman who appeared to be their leader paused suddenly and looked around, her eyes resting on the sign that loudly proclaimed the name of the anonymous fast food/ice cream place. Her enraged voice carried clearly across the desert-like landscape. "Q!!! When I asked you to take us to a place outside of the DQ, I did NOT mean outside of a Dairy Queen!"  
  
The End 


	3. Pending Romance

Specific Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid. As if I'd write something like that anyway...  
  
  
The Scenario: Tom Paris, B'Elanna Torres, and Harry Kim have noticed that their beloved captain and commander seem to be falling in love. Their plan is to get Janeway and Chakotay in a room by themselves and play the Little Mermaid song "Kiss the Girl" over the comm system into the room. They're hoping that they'll be able to catch the romantic couple in the act of kissing and use the event to blackmail one or both of them at some later date. (Not the most foolproof plot there is, but must it always be foolproof?) Let's see if they succeed...  
  
The three trouble/matchmakers are in Engineering, using the internal sensors to monitor the movements of their targets. Some sort of ruckus has been stirred up in Cargo Bay Two, and for some reason only the two highest-ranking officers on the ship can straighten the whole mess out. Anyway, Janeway and Chakotay meet in the cargo bay, looking for the cause of the disturbance. Janeway finds it and signals for Chakotay to come fix it. Problem resolved. Right on cue, "Kiss the Girl" begins to play in Cargo Bay Two. Janeway and Chakotay are giving each other strange looks, which the trio in Engineering sincerely hopes is the prelude to a nice romantic kiss. The doors suddenly open with a swish. Seven of Nine walks in in her mysteriously perfect way, greets the senior officers, and begins to take care of some work. At this point, Tom and B'Elanna are trying to suppress loud groans of anguish as Janeway exits the cargo bay. Harry is not watching his captain, however; he's watching Chakotay, who, after a moment's hesitation, quietly walks over to Seven and gives her a peck on the cheek as the song ends.  
  
And J/Cers everywhere let out that loud groan of anguish.  
  
Yes, the plot must always be foolproof. 


	4. Pending Romance Part Two

Specific Disclaimer: I don't own the stuff involving people dressed up like purple prehistoric creatures (thank goodness).  
  
  
There were four people in the captain's ready room. They all knew exactly why they were there. Three of the people were terrified; the fourth was feeling malevolent.  
  
Tom Paris, Harry Kim, and B'Elanna Torres stared at Captain Janeway.  
  
Captain Janeway stared back at them.  
  
The casual passerby would think that some sculptor had created a still life in the room.  
  
That was not so, however. Shortly after Tom, B'Elanna, and Harry played their little prank, the captain had asked to see them. The troublemaking trio had done similar things in the past, and she highly suspected them of the little incident involving a somewhat romantic song and a problem in the cargo bay only able to be resolved by the captain and first officer.  
  
The staring contest continued.  
  
The three were becoming increasingly uncomfortable, having had their eyes open for close to two minutes straight. Janeway could have stared all day without blinking.  
  
Finally, Harry could take it no longer. "I ADMIT IT!!! WE DID IT!!!"  
  
Tom looked at Harry. "You're a poet and didn't know it," he remarked.  
  
"NO YELLING IN MY READY ROOM!!!" Janeway yelled. She promptly gave Harry the Janeway Death Glare™. Harry died.  
  
"Captain," B'Elanna said slowly, "you said no yelling in your ready room, but you just--"  
  
"Quiet, or I'll give you the Janeway Death Glare™ too, and everyone knows Chief Engineers don't come back to life!" the irate captain snapped.  
  
B'Elanna shut up. Fast.  
  
"Now, for your punishments. Harry said you did it, and you haven't denied it, so I have to assume you did it. Your punishments will be--" Janeway paused for dramatic effect, but the effect was rather ruined after a minute or so of dramatic silence. Clearing her throat, she continued. "Watching twelve straight hours of reruns of Barney and Friends!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Tom and B'Elanna screamed.  
  
"Dismissed," Janeway said lazily. The soon-to-be brainwashed and insane people ran out of the room, still screaming. After a cup of coffee or ten, the captain finally remembered Harry, still dead. It would be a shame to leave the guy dead. I mean, who among all the crew could die that many times and live to tell the tale? "Janeway to the Doctor. Harry died again, in my ready room. Thought you ought to know." Looking very self-satisfied, the famous starship captain entered the bridge, sat down in her chair, and prepared for another wonderful day of commanding the incredible starship Voyager and her amazing crew. 


	5. How do you spell TROUBLE? Broken Replica...

Captain Kathryn Janeway, having been awakened by the annoying computer only five minutes earlier, was in a deadly mood. All she wanted was to have a cup of coffee or four before beginning her day, which could either be the typical boring day ("Watch the particles of space junk race across the screen! That one's winning! Wait, that other one's ahead!") or the typical first-contact-with-alien-species day ("If you don't give us your warp core we'll destroy you!"). She really didn't care which it was, as long as she got her coffee.  
  
Janeway's annoyed voice: "Coffee, black."  
  
The computer's emotionless response: "Unable to comply."  
  
"Why the flying omega particle not?"  
  
"Replicators are offline."  
  
The roar of anger that followed would make anyone who heard it swear their captain had Klingon blood.  
  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  
  
Several ensigns who had been terrified out of their wits by the angry call to Engineering fled when they saw Janeway walk into the Mess Hall. They knew exactly who had called demanding to know why the replicators were offline, exactly what she needed at the moment, and exactly what she would do to anyone who blocked her way. Janeway had actually calmed down a bit by now, which was a good thing, because all Neelix had that morning was decaf and a new cook would need to be found if she'd been as coffee-desperate as she was five minutes ago. As it was, many chairs and tables were tipped over.  
  
(A/N...where the merf is this going? I certainly don't know. I have no set plot for this, so who knows what might happen!)  
  
Janeway walked on to the bridge and sat down in her chair. No one dared look at her, for fear of what they might see. Fortunately, it was the typical boring day, so the mutterings of "coffee...coffee...coffee..." didn't distract anyone from anything important. Far more annoying than the constant chanting of "coffee" were the constant calls to Engineering. "Janeway to Engineering. Are the replicators online yet?" "No, Captain." "Janeway to Engineering. Are the replicators--" "No, Captain." "Janeway to Engineering--" "No." This went on for two very long hours. Finally, the coffee-deprived captain gave up and simply stared at the blank viewscreen. The occasional chant of "coffee" could still be heard.  
  
  
Three hours later...  
  
  
"Janeway to Engineering. Are the replicators online yet?"  
  
Well, Captain...I hate to tell you this, but a hostile alien species has just beamed all of our replicators off the ship."  
  
Captain Janeway screamed...  
  
  
...And sat up in bed. It had only been a dream, then. See? The replicator was right there. Still, she had to be reassured...  
  
"Coffee, black."  
  
"Unable to comply."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Replicators are offline."  
  
The scream could be heard throughout the ship.  
  
  
A/N Review! Review! Review! Reviews keep me going like Janeway's coffee keeps her going, and if I get review-deprived, you don't get any more funny drabbles! Oh yes, and flames will either be suppressed with the ship's fire control system or used to roast coffee beans. 


	6. The Mysterious Rainbow Borg Bunnies

Specific Disclaimer: The Hatstand Goddess...wow, she's actually mine! She doesn't feature in this fic except by name, though.  
  
  
Somewhere, in the depths of the Delta Quadrant, a small ship hurtled through space...  
  
It was breakfast time in the Mess Hall. The place was crowded, and everyone was paying attention to their food. Everyone, that is, except a nameless ensign (poor guy! We ought to give him a name! Let's call him Bob.) who was staring out the windows for the heck of it. Suddenly, a thing that looked like a toy sailboat, except ten times bigger, drifted lazily past the window, but only Bob saw it because he was staring out the windows and not paying attention to his food. Bob was intrigued by the toy sailboat thing. He got up to take a closer look. Upon further inspection of the toy sailboat, he saw that it was populated by about fifteen rainbow-colored bunnies that looked like they'd been assimilated by the Borg. Normally, Bob was a pretty rational guy. There was usually an explanation for anything they came across, whether it was lizards from Earth or a piece of space debris that looked like something had chewed on it. There was no explanation for this. Bob knew something had to be done.  
  
"Nameless Ensign to the bridge." (Remember, they don't call him Bob.)  
  
"Go ahead," Janeway said with a yawn.  
  
"There's a toy sailboat populated by about fifteen rainbow-colored bunnies that look like they've been assimilated by the Borg right outside the Mess Hall."  
  
"Okay, we'll check it out," the voice on the other end of the comm system replied as if there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary going on.  
  
Bob, having finished his part in this fic, sat down again and paid attention to his food.  
  
  
The bridge crew was busily trying to figure out the mystery of the rainbow Borg bunnies.  
  
"They're not alive," Harry Kim reported.  
  
"They have no weapons," Tuvok reported.  
  
Janeway blinked, blinked again, and scratched her head. "What could they be? Whatever. Lock on to them with a tractor beam and bring them into the shuttle bay."  
  
The toy sailboat, and the rainbow Borg bunnies, were soon in the shuttle bay. Janeway and a security team went to meet the bunnies and see what in the name of the Hatstand Goddess they were.  
  
The security team preceded the captain into the shuttle bay. There was no threat, however. The bunnies had not moved. When the toy sailboat and its inhabitants had been declared safe, Janeway approached the boat, examining it. Hesitantly, she poked one of the bunnies. Nothing happened. She sighed with relief -- and then it happened. The rainbow Borg bunnies all hopped out of the toy sailboat and began bouncing around madly. Everyone promptly ran out of the shuttle bay. No one noticed one bunny leave the room with them.  
  
  
The bridge crew was in the meeting room, discussing ways to control the bunnies. Security people were roaming the decks looking for stray bunnies, but sincerely hoping not to find them because they didn't know what in the name of the Hatstand Goddess to do with them. Everyone feared the bunnies. Everyone, that is, except Bob. (A/N It was Bob's idea, not mine, to put him back in the fic. *shrug*) He thought the bunnies were cute, and dearly wanted to see one up close. Bob got his wish. The stray bunny came hopping up to him, and he immediately reached down to pet it. The bunny jumped into Bob's arms, where it got a lot of TLC. The bunny then told Bob (telepathically) where the rest of the bunnies were being kept. Bob promptly set off toward the shuttle bay to rescue the bunnies.  
  
  
Later, when a plan had been devised to control the bunnies, a security team specially trained in bunny control entered the shuttle bay. To their infinite surprise, not a bunny remained (although the toy sailboat still remained). Since they didn't have biosigns, they couldn't be tracked, so everyone assumed they'd re-entered space to go thoroughly freak out something else. The sailboat was moved to Cargo Bay 2 and soon forgotten. The bunnies, however, were still on the ship, living in Bob's quarters and waiting for the perfect time to reappear.  
  
And the Doctor sang opera in Sick Bay.  
  
A/N: Whee, thirteen reviews! See what reviews do to me? They inspire me! Oh, and if you have any ideas for plotlines (such as they are, around here) please post them. I'll give you credit if I use yours. 


	7. Tuvok and the Soup

I've added author's notes _ ( )_ in here, to give you some insight into what I was thinking when I wrote this. _ (RUN! HIDE!)_  
  
  
Tuvok was walking down a corridor. A faint whistling sound could be heard, and the Vulcan needed to investigate. _ (Yeah, what if it's an evil alien who's gonna take over the ship.)_ He turned a corner-- and saw Neelix strolling down the corridor, whistling cheerfully, and headed straight for him. Before Tuvok could turn around, Neelix saw him. _ (Run, Tuvok, run!)_  
  
"Mr. Vulcan! I've just made a new kind of soup, and I was wondering if you could try it for me. You know, see if it tastes okay." _ (NO! He'll kill you!)_  
  
"I am on duty, Mr. Neelix," Tuvok replied.  
  
Neelix was disappointed, until he realized...  
  
"Well, then...maybe you could come down to the Mess Hall when you're off duty!"  
  
Tuvok nearly sighed, but suppressed his frustration. "All right, Mr. Neelix."  
  
  
About three hours later, Tuvok entered the Mess Hall. He was greeted by an enthusiastic Talaxian and a horrifying smell which, Tuvok dearly hoped, was a mistake and not what he was supposed to be eating.  
  
Neelix was ready with a bowl in his hand and a grin on his face. "Hello, Mr. Vulcan! I'm so glad you could come down here to try my new soup. Doesn't it smell wonderful?" he babbled enthusiastically. _ (No, it smells like an overused Porta-Potty times five.)_  
  
Tuvok's worst fear had come true. The smell that permeated the place was indeed the soup. "It smells...interesting." Filled with dread, he sat down at a table and looked at the contents of the bowl. Better get it over with quickly, he thought as he lowered the spoon into the bowl. _ (Today is a good day to die.)_  
  
The soup suddenly shot out sparks, startling Neelix greatly. He started babbling again, this time in apology. Tuvok silenced him with a very Vulcan glare.  
  
"Perhaps you should make sure that the food will not spontaneously combust before serving it to the crew." _(But it's so FUN to serve exploding food to people!)  
  
_Neelix nodded, and Tuvok fled with what sense of smell he had left.  
  
  
A/N Did you like the comments in there? Let me know :)


	8. Fairy Tales

A/N: This takes place after Q2.

Another A/N: I'm making fun of fantasy Mary Sues in this one ;)

It was a perfectly normal day aboard the starship Voyager. Well, it would be normal for a normal ship and crew back in the Alpha Quadrant; no bloodthirsty aliens or malevolent anomalies had been seen that day. In fact, nothing but stars had been seen for a week. This was beginning to annoy the bridge crew, who were beginning to get very bored and were wishing for a Borg cube so there would be something interesting to do. At that moment something interesting appeared on the bridge -- Q Jr. The fact that a Q was generally unwelcome was forgotten. Everyone was glad for a break in the monotony of the last few days. 

"Hello!" Q Jr. (referred to as simply "Q" from now on) announced. "Been bored lately, I see."

"Incredibly," Janeway replied.

"Well, I've come to help you out. I've been reading a few human stories -- you know, some fairy tales -- and thought you might enjoy these." Q snapped his fingers and disappeared. In the same instant three people appeared on the bridge, standing side by side. The first was a young woman with pale skin and a face of such beauty as to shatter any male heart, clad in a silver dress. Her red-streaked silver hair was caught up in an elaborate braid, and wings of a shimmering crimson sprouted from her back. Her ears were pointed delicately. The second was a figure in shining golden armor, a visored helm upon its head, a shining golden sword in its hand. (The gender of the armor wearer was impossible to guess.) The third figure was a hunchbacked, drooling thing that made grunting noises every once in a while.

The young woman fluttered her wings a bit and stood there looking pretty.

The armor display removed his visored helm and bowed deeply after sheathing his sword.

The drooler and grunter simply crouched on the floor, drooling and grunting.

The bridge crew stared.

Finally, Janeway stepped forward. "I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager."

The winged woman curtsied gracefully. "My name is Moonwind SilverFyre, and I am a fairy princess. Are you the princess here?" she inquired of Janeway.

"Er...I suppose," Janeway replied hesitantly.

The armor display bowed again. "Your Highness, my name is Sir Courage, if it pleases my lady."

Before anyone could say anything else, the hunchbacked thing said "Rrrg!" rather loudly. From then on, it was called Rrrg.

Janeway cleared her throat and displayed a smile which could never pass for a genuine smile except among creatures as brainless as the fairy, armor display, and Rrrg. "Tuvok, please show these people to their quarters. We can discuss their presence here after they have time to get settled in." The poor captain was too startled for any diplomacy beyond that bit of politeness, much less what would be needed to convince an adolescent Q that a wormhole leading back to the Alpha Quadrant would be of greater interest than three people straight out of a badly written fairy tale. She was even more grateful that the trio were going to be out of her hair for a while, especially since Sir Courage, before the turbolift doors closed, remarked: "I thought fire was orange, not silver. And I didn't think there was wind on the moon, unless someone far--"

"I thought knights were supposed to be civil," the overstressed Janeway muttered.

Tuvok walked down the corridor, showing the odd trio to separate quarters. On the way to an empty set of rooms, Moonwind SilverFyre had noticed Tuvok's ears.

"Oh, my..." she breathed. "Tuvok, isn't that your name? Are you a fairy, like me?"

"I am a Vulcan, not a fairy," Tuvok replied. Although there was no display of emotion, anyone who had spent more than five minutes with Tuvok would be aware of his annoyance.

"Oh, but you must be a fairy! I mean, your ears are pointed and everything? But where are your wings? Do you hide them with magic?"

"I do not possess wings."

Moonwind SilverFyre then began to ask Tuvok questions about his heritage, still convinced that he was a fairy. The group had reached the fairy's quarters, however, so Tuvok let Moonwind SilverFyre in, briefly explained how to control the lights and the replicator (another thing she exclaimed and speculated about), and left. Sir Courage's quarters were only a few steps farther down the corridor. Before Sir Courage shut the door, he remembered the third member of the party.

"My lord, unless you wish me to do otherwise, I will look after this poor and desolate creature," meaning Rrrg, of course.

"Thank you," Tuvok replied. Sir Courage bowed and closed the door, taking Rrrg with him.

Back on the bridge...

An alien ship appeared on the viewscreen and began charging weapons. They fired at Voyager, but the shields were up.

"Target their weapons, fire phasers," Janeway yelled.

Fortunately, Tuvok had arrived before the aliens had. He promptly carried out the commands. The phasers fired at the alien vessel; no effect. A torpedo was launched, but it was shot by the alien vessel before it hit. The aliens shot at Voyager again, penetrating the shields and destroying a small part of the ship. They then abruptly turned around and went to warp.

"Captain, they hit our guests' quarters. Entirely obliterated."

Janeway sighed a very fake-sounding sigh. "That's too bad."

Just then, she noticed that someone had not been present on the bridge during the entire confrontation.

Chakotay sent off one last communication in the direction of the alien ship. "Thanks for everything." He then wiped the comm logs of any traces of his conversation with the aliens and headed to the bridge. "So, what did I miss?"


	9. Bring On the Borg

Specific Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Bring On the Rain" (by Jo Dee Messina) that I used for this songfic.  
  
Dedication: To Jedi Aeryn, who writes some very funny fics and, in particular, created the tale "It Was Your Song". Jedi Aeryn, this is your song.  
  
  
A boring week has almost come and gone  
Can't imagine what hasn't been done  
We've gone through all the relays  
Checked them all by hand  
What we wouldn't give to see some land  
Oh yes, we are very bored  
Not of our own accord  
So bring on the Borg  
  
Even Captain Janeway's got nothing to do  
If she stays this bored she's gonna come unglued  
We're scared that the Doctor's so bored  
He's gonna kill us all  
Maybe we should send a distress call  
Oh yes, we are very bored  
Not of our own accord  
So bring on the Borg  
  
No we're not gonna let it get us down  
We won't go insane  
But we sure don't know what this will let us gain  
  
Oh yes, we are very bored  
With others we need to war  
So bring on the Borg  
  
Yes, we are very bored  
Not of our own accord  
So bring on the Borg  
Bring on the Borg  
Bring on the Borg  
Ooooooh.... 


	10. I was not actually on a sugar high when ...

The small and violently purple bedroom in which the fanfic writer resided was a bit of a mess.  
  
A large pile of dirty laundry, upon which a cat was currently resting, was in front of the open closet door. Clean clothes were piled atop the unmade bed. A large green trashbag, presumably full of even more clothes, had been carelessly tossed into the middle of the room. The floor was littered with paper plates, shoes, and clumps of cat hair. Nearly every flat surface in the room, including the top of the computer, monitor, and printer, was occupied with books, beaded jewelry, a haphazard mixture of floppy disks and CDs, cat toys, empty water glasses, various beanbag plush toys, small decorative trinkets, mutated dolls, and cat hair yarn. The top of the desk was currently littered with candy wrappers and soda cans, and sitting at the desk was a teenaged girl. The girl was giggling madly and typing on the keyboard very rapidly, evidently writing some sort of story. Every once in a while she'd save what she was working on and start a new tale. She was so absorbed in her work (of writing inane stories and seeing how many candy bags and soda cans she could possibly empty in one night without passing out) that she didn't notice when the main focus of most of her stories appeared in a flash of light atop the green trashbag: Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager.  
  
Captain Janeway, who had begun to observe this specimen of a frenzied writer, was too intrigued by this example of the effects of a sugar high to react evilly to this obvious Q prank. Of course, if she had known that yet another story about her was in the works, she would have been more intrigued. As it was...  
  
Janeway climbed off the trashbag with some difficulty and politely tapped the teenaged girl on the shoulder. "Excuse me, may I ask what you're writing about?"  
  
The girl looked over to the person who had disturbed her. Perhaps in a different situation she may have reacted differently to her idol appearing suddenly in her room, but the sugar high had temporarily disabled more than a few brain cells. Therefore, she was cool as a frozen Vulcan when she replied. "Voyager fanfic." She let out a huge yawn, and, dully realizing that if she wanted to get up before noon tomorrow morning she'd better go to sleep now, mumbled something along the lines of "Too tired to write more so I'm gonna sleep if you wanna read what I wrote go ahead just make sure to shut off the computer." And with that the girl crossed the room and fell into bed, sound asleep.  
  
Janeway was still pondering the girl's first communication: "Voyager fanfic." What in the galaxy did "fanfic" mean, and did it have anything to do with her ship? How could she know about Voyager in the first place? Puzzled, she sat in the computer chair and accessed the files in the Writings folder (after a brief crash course in mouse navigation). The names of the files were very odd, and included entries such as "Sparking Soup", "In the DQ", "Warning - This is a songfic", and "JetC not meant to be", parts 1 and 2. "Sparking Soup" caught her eye, so she opened the file. The text within was none other than a very warped story about Lieutenant Tuvok and Neelix. She was breathing very hard by the time she finished the story. It hadn't been the horrible story that had scared her; rather, it was the question of how the author had gotten her information about the ship, Tuvok's personality, and Neelix's infamous cooking. Gathering her courage, she reviewed the rest of the compositions in the folder, with mixed reactions to each of them. As she finished "Warning - This is a songfic", Q Jr. appeared in the room. "Ready to go back to Voyager, Aunt Kathy?"  
  
"Almost," Janeway replied. She found a pen and a discarded candy wrapper and quickly wrote a note before disappearing in a flash of light along with Q Jr.  
  
  
When she awoke the next morning, the fanfic writer was faced with the difficult task of cleaning up the candy wrappers and soda cans of last night's sugar high. She was gathering up the last of the candy wrappers when she noticed one that had blue writing on it. The other candy wrappers fluttered to the floor as she picked up the note. It read:  
  
"Those were honestly the scariest stories I've ever read. Please continue; I look forward to the next creation of your rather twisted mind. You might want to lay off the sugar, though.  
  
Sincerely,  
A Devoted (Although Freaked Out) Reader  
  
P.S. I actually liked the warping of Janeway's character in JetC II. That was the most hilarious thing I've ever read."  
  
  
Epilogue:  
  
A week or so later, Janeway was sitting in her ready room going through reports and enjoying (what else) a cup of coffee. The last padd on the desk, however, was not a report; it was a file titled "I was not actually on a sugar high when I wrote this". Noticing the author's distinct writing style, Janeway grinned as she began to read the next creation of the author's rather twisted mind.  
  
  
  
A/N: Thanks to all who have reviewed so far and to those who will review in the future. I'll acknowledge you individually in the next chapter if you review :) I'm also open to more ideas, so if you have any, let me know. If I use them you'll get due credit. Kithy the person who was not actually on a sugar high when she wrote this out ;) 


	11. Death Toll: 47

_A/N: Thanks for the last two reviews, **Jesper** (No prob, alternately making people laugh and scaring the pants off them is what I live for :P ) and **Lannawannabe** (I take it Chapter Three made you laugh?). Now, remember, reviews are inspiring! Reviews are good! Gooooooood..._**  
  
  
Naomi's room, USS Voyager NCC-74656**  
  
Naomi Wildman was mad. Nobody knew why. They just knew Naomi was mad.  
  
Naomi was mad, and wanted to take it out on someone. The problem: What could a girl her age do to someone without retaliation?  
  
The solution was simple.  
  
  
**Engineering  
  
**B'Elanna Torres growled. She then yelled, screamed, shouted, and stomped out of Engineering. This was Naomi's cue.  
  
Betsy, Captain Janeway's special phaser rifle, blazed to life and swiftly annihilated any sentient life in the form of a nameless crewperson or ensign that existed in Engineering. The various people who had names noticed Naomi come out of hiding and tried to stop her, but Naomi merely shot the warp core, causing numerous problems and effectively rendering her pursuers incapable of a chase. Giggling, she made her way out of the room and down the hall...  
  
  
**Mess Hall  
  
**Neelix looked up from the leola root stew and saw Naomi enter the Mess Hall, much to his delight. His smile did not disappear, even while telling Naomi off for stealing Betsy and watching her take the lives of nameless crewperson after nameless crewperson, including an ensign (let's call him Bob) who was staring out the window instead of eating. Neelix only shut up when Naomi hurled a bowl of leola root stew at his face and left the Mess Hall.  
  
  
**Ensign Bob's Quarters  
  
**The fifteen or so rainbow-tinted Borg-assimilated bunnies in Ensign Bob's quarters were agitated, obviously having sensed the death of their only human friend. One of the bunnies, apparently the leader, sprouted an assimilation tube from each ear and sunk them into the door. The door opened, and the bunnies were free...  
  
  
**Ready Room  
  
**Naomi Wildman prepared to enter the bridge and take out the rest of her fury on the nameless ensigns that currently resided there...  
  
  
**Numberless Turbolift  
  
**The bunnies conferred with each other on how exactly to stop the madwoman who had killed Bob. The timing would have to be just right...  
  
  
**Bridge  
  
**Naomi Wildman marched out of the Ready Room, Betsy at the ready. However, it took her a while to get the senior officers' attention, since she was so short. When she did manage to get everyone's attention, there was a collective gasp.  
  
"BETSY!!!" Janeway shrieked. (Of course, how she could have possibly recognized Betsy defies explanation, logical or no, since Betsy looked more like all the other phaser rifles than the other phaser rifles looked like each other.)  
  
Naomi let out an evil laugh and spoke a few impressively evil-sounding words that the greatest dark lord in history would have some trouble mastering. She then aimed Betsy at an apparently oblivious nameless ensign...  
  
...just as the Borg bunnies came bouncing out of the turbolift, determined to avenge Bob. Naomi looked over at the bunnies, screamed, and fired at the nameless ensign. The shot went wide, and ended up killing Harry Kim. One last scream was all Naomi had before she turned into a large purple cabbage.  
  
Janeway retrieved Betsy before the bunnies started to eat the cabbage. Chakotay stared at the cabbage and the bunnies. Tuvok escorted Harry (who was still dead) to Sick Bay. The only sound that could be heard was the bunnies' chomping on the cabbage that was once Naomi Wildman.  
  
  
**Earth, 21st Century  
  
**TPTB looked at each other in shock before pressing the big red button marked "Reset" in unison.  
  
  
**Naomi's Room, USS Voyager NCC-74656  
  
**Naomi Wildman was mad. Nobody knew why. They just knew Naomi was mad.  
  
Naomi was mad, and wanted to take it out on someone. The problem: What could a girl her age do to someone without retaliation?  
  
The solution was simple...


	12. Kathryn, Kathy, Kate, and Katie

_A/N: Many thanks to **cytosine**, who graciously let me use her doctor-patient psychiatric evaluation idea in this fic series. I highly recommend her **Stories from the Nuthouse** fanfics, as well as her other stories.  
  
Also, thanks to my reviewers: **Karen**, **Jesper**, and **Saviate Incarnate Alternate**.  
  
Oh, and flames are used to roast coffee beans :)  
  
On with the story!  
_  
  
Kathryn Janeway: (sits on a biobed in Sick Bay with a grumpy expression on her face. Occasionally, the grumpy expression will vanish and an expression of triumph will surface, but the grumpy expression soon reappears)  
HoloDoc: (walks into the room and smiles at Kathryn. His appearance flickers briefly as his program is affected by a low-level Janeway Death Glare, but he compensates) Ah, hello, Captain. I'm glad you're here.  
Janeway: (death glare, level two) Why am I here?  
HoloDoc: (program flickers some more) (is becoming nervous) Er, mandatory psychiatric evaluation.  
Janeway: I do NOT need a psychiatric evaluation. (begins to walk out of Sick Bay)  
HoloDoc: Yes, you do.  
Janeway: No, I do not. Captain's orders.  
HoloDoc: Yes, you do. Doctor's orders.  
Janeway: (expression changes to a pleasant smile) Of course, Doctor. (walks back to biobed and sits down) (grumpy expression returns, seems to whisper something inaudible)  
HoloDoc: (slightly puzzled at Janeway's sudden acceptance of orders) Er, yes. First things first, do you--  
Janeway: (facial expression begins to change rapidly, from grumpy to happy to evil to sad; finally settles on evil) (grins an evil grin and laughs an evil laugh) AT LAST! I HAVE THE BODY! After all these years...  
HoloDoc: (is at a loss for words) ...Captain?  
Janeway: (shakes head violently, and grumpy expression is back) What?  
HoloDoc: From what I have just seen... (pauses, scans Janeway with medical tricorder) ...you appear to be exhibiting the signs of multiple per--  
Janeway: (sad expression) Oh now look what you've done, Katie, you've let him know about us.  
Janeway: (evil expression) It's all Kathryn's fault, Kathy. If Kathryn had let me have the body once in a while, I might have been a little more reserved in my enthusiasm.  
Janeway: (happy expression) Why can't we all just get along?  
Janeway: (grumpy expression) Shut UP, Kate. Katie, you know I couldn't let you have the body -- you'd wreak havoc. (realizes that the HoloDoc is still around; grumpiness turns to guilt)  
HoloDoc: (rather startled) As I was saying, you have the signs of multiple personality disorder. Unfortunately, there is no permanent cure, but MPD can be treated with medication.  
Janeway: (evil expression) You will NOT give us medication. If you ever try, I'll decompile your pitiful program and put Paris in charge of Sick Bay.  
HoloDoc: (visibly scared) Um, yes, Kathryn, I won't put you on medication, that medication was rather dangerous after all--  
Janeway: (evil expression) Get this one thing through your holographic head. My. Name. Is. Katie. Not Kathryn, Kathy, or Kate. KATIE.  
HoloDoc: Er, yes, um, okay, Katie. Um...could you mind telling me the names of everyone else?  
Katie: (death glare, level five) As long as you don't call me Kathryn again.  
HoloDoc: (nods agreement, though it's a bit hard to see as his program is flickering madly)  
Katie: Fine. The one always in control of the body is Kathryn. The depressed one is Kathy. The happy one is Kate. And I am?  
HoloDoc: Katie.  
Kate: WRONG! I'm Kate! (smiles) It's okay, everyone gets us mixed up.  
Katie: Idiot. NO ONE gets us mixed up, because NO ONE is supposed to know about us.  
Kathryn: Well, if you hadn't put on that display, no one would know about us.  
Kate: But isn't it so much better now? We can all share the body!  
Kathy: (sighs) Not me. Too depressing.  
HoloDoc: (just watches in amazement)  
Kathryn: Sorry, Doctor. Sometimes those three can get out of control. (stands up, begins to walk out of Sick Bay) I trust that doctor-patient confidentiality applies here?  
HoloDoc: Certainly. But if Kathy, Kate, and Katie start to get out of hand again, just let me know and I'll--  
Kathryn: No. Don't say it. Don't even think it. (walks out of Sick Bay)  
HoloDoc: (smiles and taps comm badge) Doctor to Lieutenant Paris. We have a confession. Who won the betting pool? 


End file.
